get off my back
you succeeded
now claim your price
but leave me alone
let me be me
let me roam around free
do your thing
just let me be
whoever you are
i'll curse you till i die
no sacred man in robe
is as holy as a goat
it's all yours
t'was never mine
i was only a part
part of a thing
AWS Surveys
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Monday, November 17, 2008
Hypocrisy
how could you possibly say that you still love me
after hurting me over and over again
how could i possibly love you back
if my heart no longer whisper your name
let time heal the wounds, let it tell when
the right time will come to say what is true
that you just miss me because you need
me and nothing like because you really love me
you left me hanging, suspended in thin air
a fraction of my sanity is what was left
respect and dignity for myself you took with you
how dare you get back and say you still care
don't you ever get near me as i may cry
cry my hearts longingness for you
but that was before, now i dont know
hypocrisy is the word, hypocrisy.
after hurting me over and over again
how could i possibly love you back
if my heart no longer whisper your name
let time heal the wounds, let it tell when
the right time will come to say what is true
that you just miss me because you need
me and nothing like because you really love me
you left me hanging, suspended in thin air
a fraction of my sanity is what was left
respect and dignity for myself you took with you
how dare you get back and say you still care
don't you ever get near me as i may cry
cry my hearts longingness for you
but that was before, now i dont know
hypocrisy is the word, hypocrisy.
Monday, October 06, 2008
Tanduay
My relationship with my father is like the distance of manila to Bicol. we we're never close, never had a chance to drink together, go out or do things a father and son could’ve done. Now he's gone, and as they say, it's too late.
The last time i saw him was the first week of September, he stared at me and begged for me to talk to my family and let him go. The illness he had is taking its toll and the pain just by breathing is getting intolerable each day. His teary eyes began to talk as droplets of water flowed down. "I'm tired, let me go, take care of your siblings and your mom." I was so angered hearing those words from him, hearing the words of his surrender. For almost five years, he underwent dialysis treatment for his deteriorating renal system, and I haven't seen him surrender just like that. He wanted to live, he wanted to fight the illness, but at that time, he wanted all of us to move on.
I controlled the emotions waiting to flare out of me, from anger, from sadness, from the thought of letting go. I said calmly let's just sleep Pa and everything will be alright. For about 3 months, sleeping for him is luxury, we already tried several medications for him to get some decent sleep but it wouldn't work. Till the very end he and his beloved Tanduay was there to calm him down. The only working medication he always wanted. He asked me that night to go buy some beer or any liquor and drink with him, I humbly declined saying i was too tired. Was it the passing of the torch i missed? I don't know, that night I was just so afraid that drinking with him for the first time mano-a-mano. I'm so afraid that by just looking at him while drinking my beer would just let me see myself eventually transform as him. Honestly, i don't want to be him, i don't want to die like that, i dont want to suffer. It's like meeting Death face to face, saying this is your future, and you're doomed.
I was in Manila when my aunt relayed the news of my father's demise. I packed my things right away and went to Cavite to tell my little sister of what happened. On our way, I don't know exactly how i'll tell her that sad news, I just let my aunt do the thing, i went up to her room after a while to see her crying. She's my Father's little baby. We packed her things and prepared to go to Bicol, that was the longest trip ever in my life. For the first time, I will not be there to celebrate any anniversary nor birthday, but be with my family as we bid goodbye to my father.
He died peacefully, that's what my mom told us and just be thankful for that. No more tubes to be inserted no more medicines to take, no more gasping for air. Dying in his sleep with that Tanduay Rhum. I miss him terribly.
The last time i saw him was the first week of September, he stared at me and begged for me to talk to my family and let him go. The illness he had is taking its toll and the pain just by breathing is getting intolerable each day. His teary eyes began to talk as droplets of water flowed down. "I'm tired, let me go, take care of your siblings and your mom." I was so angered hearing those words from him, hearing the words of his surrender. For almost five years, he underwent dialysis treatment for his deteriorating renal system, and I haven't seen him surrender just like that. He wanted to live, he wanted to fight the illness, but at that time, he wanted all of us to move on.
I controlled the emotions waiting to flare out of me, from anger, from sadness, from the thought of letting go. I said calmly let's just sleep Pa and everything will be alright. For about 3 months, sleeping for him is luxury, we already tried several medications for him to get some decent sleep but it wouldn't work. Till the very end he and his beloved Tanduay was there to calm him down. The only working medication he always wanted. He asked me that night to go buy some beer or any liquor and drink with him, I humbly declined saying i was too tired. Was it the passing of the torch i missed? I don't know, that night I was just so afraid that drinking with him for the first time mano-a-mano. I'm so afraid that by just looking at him while drinking my beer would just let me see myself eventually transform as him. Honestly, i don't want to be him, i don't want to die like that, i dont want to suffer. It's like meeting Death face to face, saying this is your future, and you're doomed.
I was in Manila when my aunt relayed the news of my father's demise. I packed my things right away and went to Cavite to tell my little sister of what happened. On our way, I don't know exactly how i'll tell her that sad news, I just let my aunt do the thing, i went up to her room after a while to see her crying. She's my Father's little baby. We packed her things and prepared to go to Bicol, that was the longest trip ever in my life. For the first time, I will not be there to celebrate any anniversary nor birthday, but be with my family as we bid goodbye to my father.
He died peacefully, that's what my mom told us and just be thankful for that. No more tubes to be inserted no more medicines to take, no more gasping for air. Dying in his sleep with that Tanduay Rhum. I miss him terribly.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Dead at 25
We will have our company's annual physical exam, and yes, i am a bit nervous. Not because of the needles nor the dentist but because I know that I am sick. Sick and tired of my life that i continue to live without a definite path to take.
A functioning alcoholic and a chain smoker, I can feel my lungs and liver getting smaller each day. In addition to lower back pains, probably a symptom of a kidney disease. Well who cares, really who?
Since I was sixteen or probably younger, I already have this feeling that i'd be dead by 25. This year's my 25th year and that if I reach 26, i don't care how much it would cost but there will be celebration, the grandest ever to celebrate my reincarnation.
A functioning alcoholic and a chain smoker, I can feel my lungs and liver getting smaller each day. In addition to lower back pains, probably a symptom of a kidney disease. Well who cares, really who?
Since I was sixteen or probably younger, I already have this feeling that i'd be dead by 25. This year's my 25th year and that if I reach 26, i don't care how much it would cost but there will be celebration, the grandest ever to celebrate my reincarnation.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Mother’s knows best
How many in our demise say the words ‘if only I followed Mom’s advise’ is enjoying life? Is it really true that while our fathers consider our moms nothing but just a necessary evil to cook dinner and do the laundry, everyone who’s fortunate enough to have someone who’ll nag at you at 5:30am in the morning not to be late to school can say that one of God’s marvelous creatures is this homo sapien we now call Mom.
How many marvelous moms have I encountered so far? Countless. While I’m into this self-pity stage, I just got a text message from my Mom asking me to come home and forget everything and start a new life in our hometown. I’m clueless as to how my Mom got the news of me in a self-deteriorating stage as she barely knows how to check her own email. It’s just later in the morning that my elder siblings and I engaged in this never-ending argument suggesting that I give in to my mom’s request and come home. Sadly, I turned them all down. The promises of them to finance my studies in pursuing law maybe quite an offer to turn down, but the what ifs still haunts me. Going home is a dream I long been wanting to fulfill, not just for them, but for my kid. But what if I suddenly give up everything then my estranged wife get my kid and settle in Manila, worst some place I don’t know? I continue to struggle with the thought of getting her one day. While our state’s justice system is geared towards the protection of women’s rights, I’m keeping my hopes alive of winning my case and finally get my kid and be vindicated.
My ex-wife is my kid’s mom, surely she knows what is best for the kid. What her perception of best may sound absurd, that is her idea of it and probably what her mom says too. Being the best mom is not a contest as reward may come as an insult sometimes a trip to the United States, sometimes a perennial headache. Let society judge them based on how well their kids are. Just join me in prayer as my kid grows better than her parents are right now as she’s into the stage of not having a choice but just follow as to what her mom’s perception of best is.
How many marvelous moms have I encountered so far? Countless. While I’m into this self-pity stage, I just got a text message from my Mom asking me to come home and forget everything and start a new life in our hometown. I’m clueless as to how my Mom got the news of me in a self-deteriorating stage as she barely knows how to check her own email. It’s just later in the morning that my elder siblings and I engaged in this never-ending argument suggesting that I give in to my mom’s request and come home. Sadly, I turned them all down. The promises of them to finance my studies in pursuing law maybe quite an offer to turn down, but the what ifs still haunts me. Going home is a dream I long been wanting to fulfill, not just for them, but for my kid. But what if I suddenly give up everything then my estranged wife get my kid and settle in Manila, worst some place I don’t know? I continue to struggle with the thought of getting her one day. While our state’s justice system is geared towards the protection of women’s rights, I’m keeping my hopes alive of winning my case and finally get my kid and be vindicated.
My ex-wife is my kid’s mom, surely she knows what is best for the kid. What her perception of best may sound absurd, that is her idea of it and probably what her mom says too. Being the best mom is not a contest as reward may come as an insult sometimes a trip to the United States, sometimes a perennial headache. Let society judge them based on how well their kids are. Just join me in prayer as my kid grows better than her parents are right now as she’s into the stage of not having a choice but just follow as to what her mom’s perception of best is.
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