Tanduay

My relationship with my father is like the distance of manila to Bicol. we we're never close, never had a chance to drink together, go out or do things a father and son could’ve done. Now he's gone, and as they say, it's too late.

The last time i saw him was the first week of September, he stared at me and begged for me to talk to my family and let him go. The illness he had is taking its toll and the pain just by breathing is getting intolerable each day. His teary eyes began to talk as droplets of water flowed down. "I'm tired, let me go, take care of your siblings and your mom." I was so angered hearing those words from him, hearing the words of his surrender. For almost five years, he underwent dialysis treatment for his deteriorating renal system, and I haven't seen him surrender just like that. He wanted to live, he wanted to fight the illness, but at that time, he wanted all of us to move on.

I controlled the emotions waiting to flare out of me, from anger, from sadness, from the thought of letting go. I said calmly let's just sleep Pa and everything will be alright. For about 3 months, sleeping for him is luxury, we already tried several medications for him to get some decent sleep but it wouldn't work. Till the very end he and his beloved Tanduay was there to calm him down. The only working medication he always wanted. He asked me that night to go buy some beer or any liquor and drink with him, I humbly declined saying i was too tired. Was it the passing of the torch i missed? I don't know, that night I was just so afraid that drinking with him for the first time mano-a-mano. I'm so afraid that by just looking at him while drinking my beer would just let me see myself eventually transform as him. Honestly, i don't want to be him, i don't want to die like that, i dont want to suffer. It's like meeting Death face to face, saying this is your future, and you're doomed.

I was in Manila when my aunt relayed the news of my father's demise. I packed my things right away and went to Cavite to tell my little sister of what happened. On our way, I don't know exactly how i'll tell her that sad news, I just let my aunt do the thing, i went up to her room after a while to see her crying. She's my Father's little baby. We packed her things and prepared to go to Bicol, that was the longest trip ever in my life. For the first time, I will not be there to celebrate any anniversary nor birthday, but be with my family as we bid goodbye to my father.

He died peacefully, that's what my mom told us and just be thankful for that. No more tubes to be inserted no more medicines to take, no more gasping for air. Dying in his sleep with that Tanduay Rhum. I miss him terribly.