Comfort Zones

Till now, i can't get out of my shell, im used to see things as they are and i expect them to last. i hate letting go, if i can freeze time just to let things stay that way i would. but i can't. deep inside i weep with those little changes everywhere, damn, i even wept when gabby and sharon divorced. i just want everybody to be it, in a status quo.


I want to be a kid again, no worries of society's rotting state. the only pain you might suffer is tootache. While every kid wants to grow up, i'm going the other way. Adulthood s*cks. But as they say, that's the beauty of life, without pain is like Joey de Leon without Rene Requiestas.


I wanted to break away from life but im too afraid to even try it, I'm like Nicholas Cage in "the weatherman" thinking about killing himself but is afraid to try it as he's thinking as to who will clean the rug of his splattered brain. I'm not into being suicidal, i just want something new to happen but i can't let go. I want to transfer to a new house, but im afraid to as it might be far from my work. I want another kid, but i don't have a wife. I've been wanting to get another one, but i might end up in prison. what in the world would i do?


Status quo - just stay alive might be my only purpose. For my kid to at least have a 'father' to bring her to the altar once she decides to marry? To be a grandfather to her lovely kids? Are these the answers to my questions? Is this what im really comfortable with? Will i die a fulfilled man with it?


Patience...

To love again?

Have you ever asked your self this? Would you like to try again after being hurt so many times? Would you dare love again, if every time you try, your heart echoes the love that was lost in time?

I've been living virtually alone for the past seven months, and still it hurts like yesterday. Everyday you see ladies pass by and all I can do is sigh, smack my head a little to get back to reality. What can I offer those young lovely ladies if I'm starting lose love of myself? I've been wanting to say I love them, but I can't. All I know is I need one to be mine again, to be whole again, to fill the emptiness. To love is to be hurt I know, but to be hurt and be fooled over and over again, that's stupidity. That's what I was, never again.

Some say I have to content myself of being alone and devote all my energy to work. Question? Why am I working? For whom? For a non-existent family? For a child I barely see? For my future so blurry? Why? For what? Argh!

Will anyone dare to love me? Uhmmm, what if i post an ad in Jobstreet? Lolz

In her eyes

Did you ever wonder how a 3 year old kid explain things happening around her? When my kid showed me what she just drew, I was actually shocked, not because she knows how to, but what she drew. A family portrait, saying "Daddy, this is you, Kyona and Mommy!" I held my breath deep as my eyes slowly filled with tears are getting ready to fall.

For 7 months now, my dearest Kyona is without a family of her own, she's staying with my in-law, while my wife and I pick up the pieces of our shattered lives. Will we be together? Will Kyona get her birthday wish? Noone knows. What I know is like the picture, we are holding on, living alone but still holding on.

The paranoia of being alone kills me everyday, but the hope of being with my kid is what keeping me alive. But how can I explain the things to her when questions like "why are you leaving again?" and "when will you be coming back?" veers my sanity to outerspace?


A co-worker just asked me a question as I'm writing this, "Masarap ba magkaroon ng anak?" Another question that I'm beginning to hate. How will I know? I can't even walk her to school, can't even tuck her in to sleep, read books to her, feed her. Things that a father should be doing, i cannot do, so how will I know? I don't even want myself to be called a father, not even a provider, a little maybe but not a good one. Every peso I give to her will never be enough of the times lost being with a family. Is it my fault? Yes. It was unfolding before my eyes and I never did anything to keep it all together. I don't know how this will end for all of us, but what I just found out is that my my daughter's drawing is way better than my writing.