Dead at 25

We will have our company's annual physical exam, and yes, i am a bit nervous. Not because of the needles nor the dentist but because I know that I am sick. Sick and tired of my life that i continue to live without a definite path to take.

A functioning alcoholic and a chain smoker, I can feel my lungs and liver getting smaller each day. In addition to lower back pains, probably a symptom of a kidney disease. Well who cares, really who?

Since I was sixteen or probably younger, I already have this feeling that i'd be dead by 25. This year's my 25th year and that if I reach 26, i don't care how much it would cost but there will be celebration, the grandest ever to celebrate my reincarnation.

Mother’s knows best

How many in our demise say the words ‘if only I followed Mom’s advise’ is enjoying life? Is it really true that while our fathers consider our moms nothing but just a necessary evil to cook dinner and do the laundry, everyone who’s fortunate enough to have someone who’ll nag at you at 5:30am in the morning not to be late to school can say that one of God’s marvelous creatures is this homo sapien we now call Mom.


How many marvelous moms have I encountered so far? Countless. While I’m into this self-pity stage, I just got a text message from my Mom asking me to come home and forget everything and start a new life in our hometown. I’m clueless as to how my Mom got the news of me in a self-deteriorating stage as she barely knows how to check her own email. It’s just later in the morning that my elder siblings and I engaged in this never-ending argument suggesting that I give in to my mom’s request and come home. Sadly, I turned them all down. The promises of them to finance my studies in pursuing law maybe quite an offer to turn down, but the what ifs still haunts me. Going home is a dream I long been wanting to fulfill, not just for them, but for my kid. But what if I suddenly give up everything then my estranged wife get my kid and settle in Manila, worst some place I don’t know? I continue to struggle with the thought of getting her one day. While our state’s justice system is geared towards the protection of women’s rights, I’m keeping my hopes alive of winning my case and finally get my kid and be vindicated.


My ex-wife is my kid’s mom, surely she knows what is best for the kid. What her perception of best may sound absurd, that is her idea of it and probably what her mom says too. Being the best mom is not a contest as reward may come as an insult sometimes a trip to the United States, sometimes a perennial headache. Let society judge them based on how well their kids are. Just join me in prayer as my kid grows better than her parents are right now as she’s into the stage of not having a choice but just follow as to what her mom’s perception of best is.

Comfort Zones

Till now, i can't get out of my shell, im used to see things as they are and i expect them to last. i hate letting go, if i can freeze time just to let things stay that way i would. but i can't. deep inside i weep with those little changes everywhere, damn, i even wept when gabby and sharon divorced. i just want everybody to be it, in a status quo.


I want to be a kid again, no worries of society's rotting state. the only pain you might suffer is tootache. While every kid wants to grow up, i'm going the other way. Adulthood s*cks. But as they say, that's the beauty of life, without pain is like Joey de Leon without Rene Requiestas.


I wanted to break away from life but im too afraid to even try it, I'm like Nicholas Cage in "the weatherman" thinking about killing himself but is afraid to try it as he's thinking as to who will clean the rug of his splattered brain. I'm not into being suicidal, i just want something new to happen but i can't let go. I want to transfer to a new house, but im afraid to as it might be far from my work. I want another kid, but i don't have a wife. I've been wanting to get another one, but i might end up in prison. what in the world would i do?


Status quo - just stay alive might be my only purpose. For my kid to at least have a 'father' to bring her to the altar once she decides to marry? To be a grandfather to her lovely kids? Are these the answers to my questions? Is this what im really comfortable with? Will i die a fulfilled man with it?


Patience...

To love again?

Have you ever asked your self this? Would you like to try again after being hurt so many times? Would you dare love again, if every time you try, your heart echoes the love that was lost in time?

I've been living virtually alone for the past seven months, and still it hurts like yesterday. Everyday you see ladies pass by and all I can do is sigh, smack my head a little to get back to reality. What can I offer those young lovely ladies if I'm starting lose love of myself? I've been wanting to say I love them, but I can't. All I know is I need one to be mine again, to be whole again, to fill the emptiness. To love is to be hurt I know, but to be hurt and be fooled over and over again, that's stupidity. That's what I was, never again.

Some say I have to content myself of being alone and devote all my energy to work. Question? Why am I working? For whom? For a non-existent family? For a child I barely see? For my future so blurry? Why? For what? Argh!

Will anyone dare to love me? Uhmmm, what if i post an ad in Jobstreet? Lolz

In her eyes

Did you ever wonder how a 3 year old kid explain things happening around her? When my kid showed me what she just drew, I was actually shocked, not because she knows how to, but what she drew. A family portrait, saying "Daddy, this is you, Kyona and Mommy!" I held my breath deep as my eyes slowly filled with tears are getting ready to fall.

For 7 months now, my dearest Kyona is without a family of her own, she's staying with my in-law, while my wife and I pick up the pieces of our shattered lives. Will we be together? Will Kyona get her birthday wish? Noone knows. What I know is like the picture, we are holding on, living alone but still holding on.

The paranoia of being alone kills me everyday, but the hope of being with my kid is what keeping me alive. But how can I explain the things to her when questions like "why are you leaving again?" and "when will you be coming back?" veers my sanity to outerspace?


A co-worker just asked me a question as I'm writing this, "Masarap ba magkaroon ng anak?" Another question that I'm beginning to hate. How will I know? I can't even walk her to school, can't even tuck her in to sleep, read books to her, feed her. Things that a father should be doing, i cannot do, so how will I know? I don't even want myself to be called a father, not even a provider, a little maybe but not a good one. Every peso I give to her will never be enough of the times lost being with a family. Is it my fault? Yes. It was unfolding before my eyes and I never did anything to keep it all together. I don't know how this will end for all of us, but what I just found out is that my my daughter's drawing is way better than my writing.